America likes to take sides. If I am talking abouts sports, games or some other competition, that would be okay. But I’m not. I’m talking about life. For years now it appears that we are more and more becoming a nation of us and them, and it’s only gotten worse in the past several months. Every week there is another event or news story that causes people to dig in and man their battle stations. One recent event got me to thinking about what the core cause of the problem is and how we might begin to change it. Of course, the event I’m talking about are the restrictions regarding wearing white after Labor Day.* I believe in absolute truth. Karen has been invited to her sister Joan’s birthday party. Karen’s favorite outfit is mainly white. Joan’s party is late in September. These are absolute truths. What is relative is how we relate to and make decisions regarding these truths and plan our lives around them. It is very easy to think in black and white. Black and white is simple. Black and white can often be summed up in a single sentence. (“Don’t wear white after Labor Day,” or “That rule is an outdated etiquette intended to keep the lower class in their place, and therefore should no longer be followed.”) Grey, on the other hand, is complicated. Grey has to account for a lot of variables and usually needs considerably more explanation. (“While it is preferable that white not be worn after Labor Day, if you do wear white it should never cover more than 40% of your overall outfit. Furthermore, this only applies to formal events, such as dinner parties and going to the theater. Children under the age of 16 are exempt from this rule, as well as anyone who is required to wear a standard uniform for their job, such as nurses, police officers and the military. Undergarment color is left to the discretion of the wearer.”) Besides being complicated, grey often involves compromise. People resist compromise because it is often wrongfully equated with weakness. A strong person would have held his ground and not given in. Additionally, if through compromise you have to alter your position (you can only wear 30% white instead of 40%), that means you may have been wrong the first time. If there’s one thing that worse than bankruptcy, cancer, and fruitcakes combined it’s being wrong. In fact, some people even go so far as to defend something they question rather than admit they are wrong and change their mind. We, as a nation, are great at black and white. We, however, suck at grey. This is unfortunate because it is within the grey that progress can be made we can begin to come together emotionally, socially and politically. Another saying that is often repeated by success gurus is “Goals are set in stone, plans are made in sand.” The grey is the sand that can be easily moved and shaped in a manner that helps you reach the goal. What we end up doing, however, is turn the sand into concrete by making the plans, or the means of reaching the goal, the black and white issue that is not up for compromise. Going back to our “wearing white” analogy, if Joan held firm on the plan to “never wear white after Labor Day,” her goal of having her sister Karen (clad in white) at her party might never be realized. As a result, family relations might be strained and Joan would never receive those expensive Louboutin high-heels Karen purchased as a gift. Joan may have succeeded in upholding her plan, but she ultimately failed at reaching her goal. Working through the grey is not easy, I’ll admit. On several occasions, I have held my ground longer than I should have simply because I didn’t want to admit I was wrong. Furthermore, if this is difficult in a one on one or small group setting, it might be darn near impossible on the national level. That being said, there are some steps we can take to begin bringing us together, at least in our personal and business lives. First, approach every issue knowing there is more than one solution. Furthermore, while your solution may work, it might still need some refinement or simply be chucked altogether for a better solution. (Prov. 12:15) Next, we need to listen to what others are saying. To be clear, listening is not hearing. It is processing and understanding the words that are being spoken. (Prov. 18:13, James 1:19) A good way to begin listening is to stop thinking about your own opinion while someone else is expressing theirs. (Prov. 18:2) Just these two steps alone are a good place to start to break through the barriers. The most important step, however, is to remember what the goal actually is. Most of us have the same goals: preservation of life; respect for humanity; food to eat, clothes to wear, and a place to live; a safe and healthy community and environment. As long as we have the same goals or desired outcomes, we are on the same side and we can make progress. However, if the means of reaching the outcome ever becomes the goal instead of the outcome itself, then progress is in danger of halting. If we are ever going to keep moving forward and have any hopes of solving our problems, then we, as individuals and a nation, need to stop thinking in black and white and start exploring the various shades of grey. Yes, I went there.

---

*Of course, I am not talking about wearing white after Labor Day, but I’m smart enough not to discuss any one particular issue or take any sides, lest that issue distracts from the point I am trying to make.