In 2002 I wrote my first (and only) computer game. It was a text adventure called Augustine that I programmed for that year’s Interactive Fiction competition. My game tied for 13th out of 38 and was a runner-up for the Best Story and Best Setting categories in the XYZZY Awards. Not bad for a first attempt. I have not created any more computer or video games since that time, with the exception of possibly making a custom track in Trials HD solely for the purpose of gaining an achievement. When you look at some of my other ideas for video games, perhaps you’ll understand why. Here is my list of 10 video game ideas that will never be made.

Grand Theft Victim - You live in a big urban city that is riddled with crime and violence. One day you leave your apartment building only to find that your car is not where you left it. Someone must have stolen it. So you walk the city streets to the police station, avoiding getting shot by stray bullets or run down by drivers swerving on and off the sidewalks. Once at the station, you must fill out multiple police reports by playing various mini-games.

House Guest Evil - An employee of the Umbrella Corporation drops over to your house just to spend the weekend. Little do you know, he is infected with the T-Virus. No matter. You were planning on kicking him out Monday morning regardless.

Stardew Valet - The farm is sold and a developer has built a five star luxury hotel on the site. It is now your job to park and retrieve the cars, as well as do other small jobs in order to keep the guests happy.

Jeweller’s Dozen and Gem - These are two extreme match 3 style games. Jeweller’s Dozen is for those “casual” game players who are a bit more hardcore. You play on a 13x13 grid. As usual, you need to match objects of the same shape and color. The challenge is this: those matches must be in straight rows of thirteen. When you can’t make a move, the game is over. Good Luck!

Gem is for people who suck at video games. Same concept as a match 3 game, but you only have to match one gem. Basically, you just start the game and watch the fireworks as gems continuously explode into a burst of sparkles until you hit ctrl-alt-del and kill the application from the task manager.

Super Mario Odyssey - Oh no, this isn’t the new Nintendo 3-D platformer. It is a visual novel that recounts the story of Homer’s Odyssey, however, all the roles are played by characters from the classic Nintendo Mario Bros. games.

Tetanus -      You are a healthcare worker in a major hospital. You suddenly have an influx of patients requesting tetanus shots, unfortunately, you are out of the vaccine and need to produce some more. You do this by joining together irregularly shaped blocks that drop from the top of your screen. When you fill a row the blocks disappear. When you complete enough rows you have made enough vaccine. Oh, wait. They’ve already made this game. It was called Dr. Mario!

The Garage - You arrive home after a long day at work. You pull into your driveway and need to park your car. The main mechanic of this game is that you use your computer mouse to aim a virtual garage door remote at the garage door and push the button to make it open. Once inside, you do the same to close the garage door. It might not sound like much, but trust me, it’s the ultimate “Point-and-Click” adventure!

Black Hole VR - You put on your Rift, Vive, Playstation VR, or any other headset and suddenly you experience what it’s like to be in a black hole: it’s pitch black, there is no sound, and you can’t move anywhere.

Tortza -        The ultimate tortoise racing game for hardcore turtle racing fans looking for the most realistic computer simulation available. No arcade modes here! All races happen in real time using actual tortoise behavior and physics.

Video Game Simulator - This program will sync up with any existing video game you have installed on your computer. All games run like they normally do and all your configurations and save files are intact. It’s just like playing the game as it’s already installed on your computer, but you’re playing through a hub.