Several weeks ago I posted an article entitled
“The Big C” in which I wrote about the importance communication plays in my marriage. One very significant form of communication was left out of that article because it really needed its own blog entry to do it justice. While discussing this article, my wife Deborah suggested we each independently write about this form communication and post together as a “He said/She said.” I thought it was a great idea, and what follows is the result of that suggestion.
He Said...
by Terrence Koch
My phone lights up in the middle of the day. It's a text from my wife. "Work's been rough. LR time?" Almost without hesitation, I respond, "Sure." And why wouldn't I? LR time is one of my favorite times of the week. It's time to relax, often with soft music. It's time to set most responsibility aside for a while. It's time to enjoy a nice glass of wine. Most importantly, it's time to connect with my favorite person in the world, my wife. LR time is Living Room Time!
On the surface, Living Room Time is exactly what it sounds like, time in the living room. But for Deborah and myself it has become a magical time. We started this a couple years ago when we both agreed we should really enjoy our living room Christmas decorations one last time before taking them down for the season. So we turned on our little two-foot tall, fiber-optic tree, turned down the lights, put in some soft Christmas music, cracked open a bottle of wine, and sat on the couch. With our devices down and television off, we began talking...and we found out we had a lot to talk about. I don’t remember how long exactly, but we probably enjoyed each other’s company for over an hour, the CD switching to another at some point (Bond movie music, I think).
That was a few years ago. Since then Living Room Time has become a staple in our house, slowly at first, but then more frequently until now we enjoy it at least once a month, at a minimum. Often the music is the same (Christmas, regardless of the season, and Bond) because we are too lazy to change out the CD’s. However, we have added a few more to the mix. One of Deborah’s friends sends out compilation CD’s with various popular (and sometimes not so popular) songs for special occasions, such as her wedding, birthdays and holidays. We will often enjoy one of those CD’s. Once or twice we even threw on Milli Vanilli. Don’t knock it. It worked.
Family advocates often stress the importance of having a sit-down dinner every night. Sit-down dinners do not work well for Deborah and me because our evenings are too inconsistent. Still, the point of the sit-down dinner is not lost on us. It is intended to be a time to connect as a family. We find that connection during Living Room Time. As I’ve written before on Half Air, conversation plays an important role in Deborah’s and my relationship. Living Room Time, however, is an extra-special form of communication for a couple of reasons. First, we are in a comfortable place. As I mentioned earlier, one of the purposes of this time is to relax after a particularly difficult day at work. What better way to do that than on a nice comfortable couch. The other thing that makes this time special is the near lack of distractions. We do not have a television in our living room and, for the most part, we keep our phones put away. The main thing we are interested in is each other and what we have to say.
Common interests, mutual attraction, and similar lifestyles are all the things that draw couples together, but it is strong communication that is the glue that really cements relationships. I would strongly urge you to find your Living Room Time. Maybe it is sit-down dinners. Or perhaps long drives down quiet roads. Or maybe sitting on the porch watching the sunset. Whatever your best time happens to be, I hope you take at least one thing away from this article:
You can listen to Christmas music any time of the year, and that’s okay!
She Said...
by Deborah Koch
A year and a half ago, just after the Christmas holidays, I decided that my husband and I really needed to sit down and enjoy our Christmas lights and decorations
one last time before taking them down. I mean
really enjoy them. We'd been so busy over the previous weeks that we'd turned our Christmas lights on only three or four times since the decorations had been put up, so it seemed like a waste to put them away without them really having served their purpose. So I put on my favorite Christmas cd, asked Terrence to open a bottle of wine, and we just sat in our living room and talked about everything under the sun for at least a good hour. Yes, the Christmas decorations finally got what they deserved - full appreciation for what they were. But something unexpected happened. We came away from this Christmas light/music time feeling better than when we'd sat down, and not because we were notably impressed with our decorations (our tree is a tiny, cheap fiberoptic one with a macaroni star on top). Rather, we felt closer to one another because we had discussed things that people often don't discuss with their spouse on a regular basis - things like our goals, are we making the most of our lives, are we fulfilling our purpose, does God have plans for us that we aren't fully realizing - the kinds of things that get pushed to the back burner when more mundane topics, like laundry, bills, and "did you record that show on the dvr" seem to grab your attention.
So why it was surprising to us that we both felt closer to one another after Christmas Light Time? After all, it's a universally accepted truth that good communication leads to stronger marriages. If you've read Terrence's recent article, "The Big C", you know that we both felt we already had excellent communication. So what was so different about this particular time? Though T and I communicate well (most of the time), it's often while dinner is being cooked, a dishwasher is being unloaded, or while a movie is being paused. In other words, there is usually some other agenda going on. During Christmas Light Time, however, there was no TV, no chores, no cell phones. The only agenda was relaxing, listening (to soft music and to each other), and releasing whatever thoughts came out our lips.
Over the next 11 months, we sat down in our Living Room, specifically to talk, only a handful of times. However, shortly after the decorations went up again, we came to understand how important and intimate this time really was, and soon Christmas Light Time officially became Living Room Time - a much better name, in my opinion, as it is not limited by the season (or by the presence or lack of lights). Now Living Room Time is not a once-in-a-while thing, but usually a weekly event - and it occasionally happens more than once a week when one or both of us is feeling particularly stressed or in need of unloading. It’s not a time to complain about something the other person is or isn't doing. Rather, it is a time to discuss whatever needs to be discussed, sans cellphones (except when we need to glance at it for the calendar feature... we've planned more than one trip during Living Room Time).
If you are married, or in a serious relationship, but you feel that perhaps you and your significant other might benefit from Living Room Time, give it a try. You don’t need Christmas Lights, and any soothing music will do (just make sure to keep the volume really low – it should have a calming effect, not encourage you to sing along). Living Room Time doesn’t even have to be in your living room, though we’ve found LRT to be excellent use of the one room in our house that is often ignored and that consistently sees the least traffic! There’s really only one necessary ingredient for LRT – willing participants. If your partner doesn’t warm to it the first time, give it another go, maybe even asking them to pick the background music.
Speaking of background music, I have to give a shout out to my good friend Catherine (CKGCS – she knows what that means!) who sends me a homemade cd for every birthday, anniversary, etc., thereby providing an endless supply of Living Room Time music. Thank you, Terrence, for appreciating LRT as much as I do. And most importantly, thank you God for constantly showing us ways that we can enrich our marriage.